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Episode 27/Transcript
(In the Boys' Locker Room) Matthew: I'm just saying, how is it any different from Olympus Has Fallen? Justin: No, I agree! If you're gonna make me pick between Morgan Freeman and Jamie Foxx, I'm gonna pick Morgan Freeman every time! Matthew: You're damn right. Blaine: Yeah, cinematography be damned! (Than runs in and kisses Tanner) Blaine: What! Tanner: Hey! Matthew: Wow! So... this is happening. (Than stops kissing Tanner) Than: Yep, I'm gay. (A title card reading "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" is shown) Brittnay: How many views is it at now? Than: It's still refreshing. Brittnay: Ugh, give me that. Hurry the fuck up! I'm gonna look at the comments while it's refreshing... "Brittnay Matthews is my hero". Oh, how flattering. I mean, I guess I can see that. "Brittnay Matthews is God", "Brittnay Matthews is greater than Jesus, the Beatles, and One Direction combined". I love you! "Brittnay Matthews is a lying little slut"? Wait, what? What the fuck? "Brittnay Matthews is a dumb"? Learn to type you shitbag! Than: Babe, don't worry about it! Brittnay: "Brittnay Matthews should die". How about you fucking die, Palomino728? How about that, you fucking piece of shit? Than: Hey babe, why don't we talk about something else, like, uh, like my jawline? So angular, right? Brittnay: I'm sorry, but someone like you wouldn't really understand what I'm going through right now. Than: Aren't like 99% of your comments positive? Brittnay: I don't give a fuck! I'm gonna hunt down every one of those people that's talking shit about me, and make them pay. Than: Uh, babe, you've got millions of comments. I don't think you're gonna be able to do that. Brittnay: Watch me. I'm gonna go buy a shit-ton of new shoes so that I can personally put a boot up every one of these assholes' assholes. Than: Babe, I don't think you know how big this is. I mean, have you seen the parody videos? Brittnay: The fuck is a parody video? Than: Just watch. (Than plays various parody videos on his phone, a male YouTuber is shown quotes Brittnay's meltdown.) Male YouTuber: Actually, I did know that, Blaine. But you know what didn't come from France? This motherfucking, beret-wearing, boyfriend stealing, giggling, stuttering piece of Canadian horseshit! Yeah, I said it! (The video cuts to a female YouTuber, also quoting Brittnay) Female YouTuber: Fuck you, Saison Margeurite! Fuck you, fuck your boyfriend, and the fucking fetus that's growing inside of the disease-ridden void that you call a goddamn womb. And fuck you Shay Van Buren! (A cartoon of Brittnay yelling at Saison and Shay plays) Cartoon Brittnay: Fuck you, you shitty glob of donkey cum! I hope you burn in hell for the shitty things you did today, because you are not the least bit sneaky, you're not the least bit clever... (A video of Brittnay and Ashley Katchadorian singing with YouTuber Nong and his doll Bonquifa Wong play) Brittnay, Ashley, Nong, and Bonquifa (singing): ...And your only talent... is opening your legs to penises... that would rather be inside of me! Fuck you, Shay Van Buren! Fuck you... (Cuts back to Brittnau and Than) Brittnay: Oh my god. It's so much bigger than I thought! Okay, we need to break up. Than: Yeah, I know right—Wait, what? Brittnay: I'm famous now, and I can't really have a boyfriend who's, you know, not. Than: Wait, wait, what? Brittnay: And besides, I'm pretty sure that you're gay. Than: What? I'm not gay. If I was gay, I wouldn't be dating you. I'd be dating some guy. Some, like, 6'1" 180 pound guy, who's like, pretty lean but definitely some muscular tone, tanned skin, dark hair, cut short but not buzz cut, you know. Wears a lot of button-up shirts, but not crazy fancy. Takes himself seriously but he's not a snob. He just kind of gets me— Brittnay: Oh my god, Than! It's... pretty clear that you're gay. I mean, every time that I try to have sex with you, you cry. Than: I have allergies. Brittnay: To what, this? (Brittnay lifts up her skirt) Than: (cringing) Oh god there it is. No, that's totally awesome. Hold it together Than. Oh my god I feel like it's staring right at me. It's like the eye of Sauron. Did you shave it into the design of a Stussy? Brittnay: Yep. Than: (still cringing) I'm gonna throw up. Oh my god it winked at me. Brittnay: Look, Than, it's fine if you're gay. Just like it's fine if I'm famous now. We just can't date. Like, ever again. Than: I'm not gay! And I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna prove it the only way any heterosexual man can prove his heterosexuality. Brittnay: Uh, we're finally going to have se— Than: No, by passionately making out with another man and not enjoying it. I'll be back! (The locker room is shown again) Blaine: Cinematography be damned! (Than enters and kisses Tanner) Blaine: What! Tanner: Hey! Matthew: Wow! So... this is happening. (Than stops kissing Tanner) Than: Yep, I'm gay. Tanner: What the fuck, Jonathan. Than: Not my name. Secondly, it's cool guys, I'm gay now. Matthew: That's besides the point. You can't just go around kissing any man you want! Than: Wow, Matthew, you of all people I would expect to accept our lifestyle. Don't I have civil rights? Can't I have a dream? Matthew: The fuck? Did you just try to bring Doctor King into this? You son of a—That has nothing to do with it! You can't just go around kissing other boys' boyfriends! Blaine: Yeah, that's assault, bro! Than: It's okay because I'm— (Tanner punches Than in the stomach) Tanner: Don't you ever do that to me again! Than: No, man, it's cool, 'cuz I'm gay, just like you. Oh man, you punch hard for a gay guy. It's okay! I can say that! Because I am now also equally gay! So you guys want to get some burgers or something or what are we doing? Matthew: No, we would not like to go get some burgers with you or something or what. Than: No, guys, it's cool, I'm gay, so we're all good. Justin: Listen, Jonathan, we're glad you're finally able to come out, but that has nothing to do with why we don't fucking like you. Matthew: We don't like you for a whole bunch of other reasons. Tanner: Reason number one, you're a fucking douchebag! Blaine: You also like to give nicknames to yourself, and no one else. Justin: You also like to loiter in the boys' locker room. Matthew: You also like to make fun of people with congenital birth defects! Than: Oh I get it guys. Haze the gay guy. Reeaal classy. Tanner: Jonathan, I'm gay! Than: We know Tanner! Does everything have to be about you? God, calm yourself, girlfriend. Tanner: Don't, don't call me that. Than: Wait, isn't that something we do, like call each other girls and shit? Tanner: No, no, Jonathan, we don't. Than: What about bitch? I've definitely heard bitch. Matthew: I'll call you a bitch. (Tristan enters) Tristan: Where is he? Where the fuck is he? Tanner: Tristan! Tristan: Who did you make out with, you floozy? Tanner: No, no, it's not—Wait, did you run here from Blue Valley? How would you even know what happened? Tristan: I'm the Perez Hilton of Johnson County. I have eyes everywhere! Now who did you make out with you harlequin? (slaps Tanner) Tanner: Than just came out and he kissed me. Because he's an idiot. Tristan: (gasps) You bitch! (slaps Than) Than: Awesome. (Tristan kisses Than) Tristan: There, now we're even. Tanner: Tristan, fine, okay, gross, now we're even. Tristan: You don't make out with other boys' boyfriends! There are rules! Unless it's agreed ahead of time there are no rules, in which case, there are no rules. But this is not one of those cases! If you want to make out with other boys, just go to Grindr like everybody else! Blaine: Is anybody else confused? Justin: Very much so, Blaine. Very much so. Tanner: Don't worry guys, this is very much one of our normal Wednesdays. Tristan: Toodles! (Tristan leaves) Than: Alright well, a lot of discoveries today. I think we all grew a lot here! Guess the only thing left is take a shower, am I right? Matthew: No, you are not right, Than. We will not be taking a shower with you today or ever. Than: Ah well, worth a shot! Hey the nickname's catching on, though, that's pretty awesome! Tanner, I'll see you at a parade or a bathhouse or... whatever it is we're doing after school! Tanner: Oh my lord. Justin: Oh god. Matthew: Gross. Justin: Anyway, if my White House is being attacked, you'd better believe I want Gerard Butler rescuing me and not Channing fucking Tatum. Matthew: Oh yeah. I would venture to guess that Channing Tatum has trouble spelling his own name. I mean, why would he know how to spell that name? I mean, the only name dumber than Channing is Tatum. He's got a double terrible name. Stupid idiot name.